I Thee Wed Place

Frequently Asked Questions About Weddings

1. What kind of religious traditions. The choices range from a very traditional "church-style" wedding
to no religious references at all. Many people like to include things like the Lord's Prayer,
Bible or other religious readings, singing of hymns, etc. My recommendation is to include only
what is meaningful to you, and not confuse a wedding ceremony with a Sunday morning church service.

2. What kind of romantic imagery. The most common types of romantic expressions are
romantic readings, and the lighting of the "Unity Candle" by the couple. Other choices
include special music, giving flowers to mothers, drinking wine together out of a "unity cup",
singing to each other (Groom serenading the Bride), original poetry,
the release of butterflies or doves after the ceremony, etc. There are a lot of creative
ideas that you can borrow from others, or even think up yourself, but the rule is to be yourself.

3. What kind of cultural traditions. If you have a strong tradition from another
country or culture, you may want to include that in your wedding ceremony and/or reception.
Please see my web page "Wedding Traditions & Folklore" for ideas.

Q. What is the "best" way to have the parents, relatives, and wedding guests seated before the ceremony begins?

A. There are also no "right" or "wrong" answers here. First of all, it is customary, but not necessary,
to have ushers seat the wedding guests. Groomsmen can also double as ushers until the ceremony begins.
Usually the Bride's family and friends sit on the left side (as you approach the front), while Groom's side
is on the right. But many people opt to have general seating, with no specified "Bride's side" or "Groom's side."
Also, if there are a lot of people waiting and it is close to the starting time for the ceremony,
the ushers should not hold the guests up to be seated, but simply direct them to find their own places.

Second, as far as when to seat "latecomers", you should be aware of what they do at "black tie"
events like the symphony, opera, or a Broadway theater. As soon as the performance officially begins,
the doors are closed shut, and no late-arriving guests are admitted until the intermission.
This is out of respect for the performers, and for those in the audience who arrived on time.
I believe the same principle should apply to a wedding. It's not like a baseball game, where
you can walk in or leave any time you like, or get up to buy a hot dog or use the restroom.
Once the wedding party starts the processional to the front, I think politeness dictates that
all late-arriving guests should wait until the processional is complete, the Bride is presented
to the Groom, and the audience sits down. Then latecomers can enter the room to take their seats.
If there are ushers, they should politely inform the latecomers of this policy.

Third, I believe that all relatives, including parents and grandparents, should be seated
before the bridal party begins the processional. This especially includes parents. This is out
of respect for the wedding. The only exception is if you are having the Groom seat the parents.
In this case, you would first have the wedding officiant walk to the front,
then have the Groom seat the parents, and then he would stand at the front with the officiant.
Then the procession of the bridal party (Groomsmen, Bridesmaids, etc.)  can begin.
If anyone other than the Groom seats the parents, then all parents must take their seats
before the processional begins. I believe it is disrespectful to the wedding and out of place
to have any of the bridal party walk to the front, and then have the parents seated by
an usher, etc. Instead of "honoring" them, it makes them look like latecomers who had
trouble arriving on time to their own children's wedding!

Q. Which is better: having the Bridesmaids and Groomsmen walk in together at the start of the ceremony
as couples, or having them walk in separately?

A. There is no "right" or "wrong" answer here. A simple answer is for the Bride to ask
her Bridesmaids which they would prefer. Probably 90% will say they prefer to enter and exit
as couples. Here are some other points to consider. First of all, many people in the bridal party are
nervous about walking down an aisle by themselves (perhaps being concerned they might trip and
look foolish), and welcome the opportunity to hold someone's arm. This is especially true if the
ceremony is outside on something like a stone walkway where high heels can slip, or on grass where
high heels can sink in. Second, when the Bridesmaids come down the aisle individually instead of
being escorted by the Groomsmen, it can look a bit like a "Miss America" pageant. Nothing
should take away from this being the Bride's day, and having her alone on "center stage."
Third, a wedding is about a couple coming together, and there is a symmetry to having the
Bridesmaids and Groomsmen walk in and walk out as couples. Fourth, even if you have
an odd number in your bridal party, a "threesome" looks fine. For these reasons,
I usually recommend that Groomsmen escort Bridesmaids in a wedding ceremony.

Q. What is the purpose of having "readings" performed during a wedding ceremony?

A. I have quite a few suggested readings on this website, both romantic readings and religious readings.
People have been in love since the beginning of time. All over the world, in many different cultures,
and throughout history, people have written wonderful expressions of their love in poems, sonnets,
love songs, etc. Some religious books, such as the Holy Bible, include beautiful words on love.
Other people may have said things about love that are very similar to how you feel. And they
may have said it more eloquently than you or I could. It is appropriate to have a few
romantic readings performed during a wedding ceremony, especially texts that have been
recognized over time as "classics." If you want to search for some special reading in particular,
you could go to the "Project Gutenberg" which has a massive amount of literature searchable online.

Here are a few guidelines. First of all, if you have more than two or three readings
during your ceremony, it may sound like a literature class, so don't overdo it. And don't choose
readings that are more than a paragraph or two in length. Second, never allow someone to "surprise"
you with a reading. You'll have plenty of surprises at your reception (such as "toasts"),
but maintain control over what is said at your wedding. The rule is that you pick the readings,
and the readers. Third, it's often nice to have one or two romantic readings near the
beginning of the ceremony to get people thinking about love, and then a final, special one
near the end as the concluding thought.

Q. What is a "Unity Candle", and why is it often used in a wedding ceremony?

A. A wedding ceremony is a "pageant of love" that usually includes romantic imagery.
The purpose of the imagery is to paint a picture of the words being spoken.
Often couples will have two taper candles lit to represent their separate lives, and after
the exchange of wedding vows and rings, they will light a third candle together.
This "unity candle" represents their union, the joining of their two lives into one.
It is purely a romantic image, without any religious implications.

There are two commons practices many couples do involving the unity candle that
are not wrong, but I believe detract from the beauty and simplicity of the imagery.
First, some couples blow out their individual candles after they light the unity candle.
But it makes much more sense to me to keep those individual candles lit, because the
couple are now both two separate people and one mystical union.
After all, your own lives are not extinguished until you die!

The second common mistake is having someone else other than the couple light the
individual taper candles. I have seen mothers, fathers, or other relatives or people
special to the couple light the taper candles. But think of it: who is getting married?
The mothers? Shouldn't those candles be lit by the two people getting married,
especially since they use those two candles to light the unity candle? A couple can
very easily honor other special people with flowers instead of having them light their taper candles.

One problem I've seen at many weddings is that the taper candles are lit near the
beginning of the ceremony. Then by the time the couple is ready to light their Unity Candle,
the tapers have burned way down to stubs. At this point the candles look kind of ugly,
especially for the photos. It looks much better if the couple lights the taper candles just
before they use them to light their Unity Candle. The photos of the candle lighting look
much prettier this way. Another tip is to have a lit "votive" candle on the table with the
candles, and to use the votive instead of matches or a grill lighter to light the tapers.